Atavistically reversing this benign development and raising the temperature to tribal levels of incendiary rage is what haka at rugby matches are all about. So let’s call a halt while we can. Otherwise things will get completely out of hand, with obligatory spear-wielding Zulu war dances when South African teams visit. (Some South Africans have proposed this as counter-intimidation for dealing with New Zealanders.)

Anyway, here’s a modest proposal – à la Swift – for relief; today’s performances at rugby matches are woefully bogus, mere parodies of the full-blooded haka of the past. What you see is a bunch of muscly tattooed brutes working themselves into a dangerously tumescent state of sweaty anticipation – and then all they do is hammer a pigskin before going off to the boozer.

This is a travesty, a shabby disgrace and an affront to cultural purists. For those determined to perform their beloved war dance, we should therefore insist that the old-time haka be restored in all its glory, intimidation being followed by battle, butchery, the baking of cadavers and a rip-roaring cannibal feast.

Only a slight change in the rules is needed. This requires that the beaten are eaten. And the advantages of this will soon become apparent to both fans and rugby administrators alike. Invitations to anthropophagous teams are likely to fall away, thus sharply reducing the number of visitors from the southern hemisphere. At the same time the gross number of domestic rugby players will be gradually reduced. Seems to me it’s win-win all the way.