Fail-safe Fred

Some people think, though it's not true,
Fred's nature is inclined
To take too sceptical a view
Of love and womankind.

Addiction to the other sex
Is praised, and shared, by Fred,
He just thinks there are side-effects
On which light should be shed.

And though explorers can't be safe
There's one rule they should keep:
Don't use a leaky bathyscaphe
To probe the dangerous deep.

Fred at the finish

Fred is of service to his kind
Or so we all must hope
And those should bear his points in mind
Who plan to (say) elope. 

His views are quite consistent (but
He'd plead a change of mood).
His touch, though sometimes delicate,
More often's pretty crude.

But if his warnings sound too stark
It's only thus one schools
Chaps who might otherwise embark
Upon a Ship of Fools.

He doesn't always come out well
From stuff that he relates:
—He waives his self-conceit to tell
What may affect their fates.

The good things about girls, Fred says,
Are clear to all who've looked:
He could go on like that for days
—They really have him hooked. 

He's lots of evidence to prove
Only with them you'd find
Such lovingness when they're in love
Such kindness when they're kind.

And if the tributes thus bestowed
Are seldom here expressed
It's that they fit a lyric mode
That other chaps do best.

Though most men hope, if perhaps not soon,
Eventually to lie
At anchor in the blue lagoon,
Their chances don't seem high.

Mourning all those who've come to grief
On stormy seas of sex
He seeks a passage through the reef
Guided by previous wrecks.