Americans haven't got a nice word to say about either of them, have they? Winge, winge, bitch, bitch . . . For such a big, powerful democracy you'd think they might approach the discussion with a bit more maturity. 

It's such an important decision . . . But they just block their ears, don't they, as soon as the other side is trying to get their point across. Throw rotten tomatoes-

Start shooting each other . . .

Ha! That's right! . . . It's so much worse than it is in Britain.

Crikey! I don't even know — is Ed Miliband married?

The other one is.

Who? Clegg?

Not him . . . The other one. With the head like a football.

Cameron?

Don't be stupid. Balls! Ed Balls is married. I think  . . . But she's not very pretty.

Oh. Well then.

. . . And I don't know about Miliband.

She's probably hideous, if he is.

He's not very attractive, is he? Plus he's never going to make PM — is he? That's going to reflect on his ultimate pulling power . . . I don't imagine she's much to write home about.

It's a shame though, isn't it? You can tell so much about these sort of, quote-unquote "leaders" by their choice of spouse. And if the spouse insists on hiding away. Or looking mousey . . .

So true . . .

But in the US they've got a couple of stunners, haven't they? To choose from. With super-human stories, too. I mean they couldn't ask for much more.

One's got MS and one's sort of coloured.

Don't say "coloured". You're not supposed to say coloured any more, you plonker. 

All right. I mean —

African-American. Michelle Obama has fantastic, toned upper arms — have you noticed? For a lady of her age. For a lady of any age! And she's descended from slaves. Literally. Did you know that? I think her great-great-uncle or something . . .