Go and be bi-curious somewhere else! Just because I was in love with a girl for six months 13 years ago, a swath of unappealing “straight” females have seen fit to try it on with me ever since. “But I want to experiment with my sexuality!” they wail as I eject them into the night. “Then buy a Bunsen burner and a Petri dish!” I squeal indignantly. The bottom line is, I’m married and I love my husband. That means paws off!

Sunshine. Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like it! I hated it till I was 35 and I was a right nasty little madam. Then I met my husband Dan, and became the sunny-natured sweetheart I am today.

Black and Gold by Sam Sparro is, to my knowledge, the first Top Ten hit single about theology. It sums up everything I feel about my faith and never fails to make me snivel. I find that house and soul songs, from Sam Cooke right up to stuff like “Shackles (Praise You)” by Mary Mary, “Free” by Ultra Naté and “You Got The Love” by Candi Staton, express my feelings about my religion far more than hymns do. The very lack of formality in the language of pop suits the defenceless euph­oria of genuine faith.