"I'm in no rush."

"First of all, probably, in all likelihood, the most important thing to say about the Trojan War is: there was no war."

"No war?"

"Well, and please let me finish, because I honestly want to satisfy your curiosity, it again depends what you intend when you confer the title of war. If you see war as a few  ships sinking in the middle of the waves, a few dozen warriors in  armour, frankly not as gleaming as it could be, being welcomed whole-heartedly by the water, far, far away from Troy, if you see that as war, then it was a war."

"Helen?"

"Helen's not a story. She was the wife of Menelaus. Good-looking, not that good-looking, but good-looking."

"Paris?"

"Real."

"And he abducted her to Troy?'

"Not in the widely accepted use of the word abducted. Menelaus forced her on Paris. He was bored with Helen; once you've had your wife in fifty-six positions, it's not the same, is it? Menelaus wanted Troy's wealth and an excuse. He told Paris he was divorcing Helen and he would consider her removal a courtesy. Paris was only up to position number five or so, so he cheerily agreed. And Paris returned to Troy with a barkful of wine, congratulating himself that Greek and Trojan relations were as happy as a mouse in a granary."

"And Menelaus got together an army of all the Greeks?"

"A few of the Greeks. Have you ever asked anyone for a favour?"

"They all said they were there."

"Afterwards, they all said they were there. Have you ever noticed how when something important or funny happens   everyone pretends they were there? I was there when Kalchas ate a whole pig in one night. There were five of us there. Since then I must have met fifty people who insist they saw Kalchas eat a whole ox. Stories recruit. Give people what they want and you'll never go hungry."

"So Agamemnon and Menelaus set sail for Troy?"