Confused by high finance? Perplexed by the jargon? Fear not. I'm here to take the key phrases from George Osborne's Autumn Statement and unpack their meaning so that you can learn all you need to know about the current state of the economy and what our leaders are doing to ease your pain.
"Turning back now would be a disaster."
Admitting we're making a U-Turn would be a disaster.
"The British economy is healing"
The British economy is badly wounded.
"The deficit has fallen by a quarter"
I have missed my targets for reducing the deficit.
"Now we are seen as one of the safe havens"
The UK will lose its AAA rating next year.
"Latest economic forecast"
Optimistic guesswork.
"Independent forecasts"
Someone else's optimistic guesswork.
"I want to thank the Office for Budget Responsibility for their rigorous approach"
Every one of their forecasts has been wrong.
"The economy has ‘performed less strongly' than expected."
OK, maybe hiking VAT was a mistake.
"Credit rationing and impaired financial markets"
And perhaps it was a daft idea to bash the banks, making it harder for them to lend.
"Making banks contribute more"
But since bankers are the only people more unpopular than me, of course I'll keep bashing them.
"Supportive monetary policy"
Printing money.
"Directly addressing the problems of tight credit"
Printing more money.
"Sensible cash management"
Printing even more money, paying it back to ourselves and then fiddling the figures to cover up what we've done.
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